My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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