Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
