I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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