I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
