He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
