We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
