Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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