I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
