i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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