Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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