Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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