everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
