Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
