I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
