i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
