at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
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Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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