"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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