my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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