Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
