Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
