I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Drunk is not a location!
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
