Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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