If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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