And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
