tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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