Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
