recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
