I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
