My liver just broke up with me...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You've changed since you got that strap on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
