You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
