My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
