I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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