I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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