Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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