The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am one with the molecules
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
