Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
50% drunk capacity currently
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
