My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
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I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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