The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
