Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
