mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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