I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
