her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Even my vagina gasped.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
