if i died would you start the facebook group?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
