we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so let's talk penis.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
