I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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