new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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