peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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