I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
