he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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