my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
