Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
