The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Randomize
