Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mom said you looked used
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
