is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
