How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
