Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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