my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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