I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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