i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
