the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
