K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Randomize
