Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
