I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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