I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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