someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I will be naked everywhere
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
